I’m not sure what’s wrong with me that when I hear the word Alive, I instantly think of the dead.
Maybe it’s because a young person asked me recently if life is really worth the struggle. When you’re young and uncertain, sometimes you only see so much pain in this world and too many risks, and fears loom tall until you wonder if it’s all too hard. You wonder if it’s worth it.
I remember sitting with a friend in high school, across black marble tables in the science lab, having the same conversation. I did my best to convince him it was worth it, to live. He chose to stay. Yet it took a while before he chose to really live.
So I hear “Alive” and see the faces of a handful of friends who are not alive, not here, not anymore.
I have loved a number of people who have died young.
How do we ever make sense of it?
I was 14 when a close friend died suddenly and out of the blue. There was no warning, no sign this was coming, although my sister and I had a feeling on our way home that night. But we didn’t figure out the feeling, and went to sleep. I woke around midnight, hearing my parents on the phone in the kitchen.
He was only 17 when we dropped red February roses over his casket.
But only after Mom and I crept down to sister’s basement bedroom to explain her best friend wasn’t breathing.
I read Psalm 23 on the funeral bulletin. And a poem about how God never promised the skies would always be blue.
It was cold and the skies were gray, and we stayed home from school the next week, and I didn’t want to ever go back.
I wanted to hole up in my bedroom and sing along with Wilson Phillips, “I don’t wanna think about it, Don’t wanna think clear, Don’t analyze What I’m doing here.”
I “Wanna be impulsive, Reckless, And lose myself In your kiss.” {“Impulsive”}
It wasn’t like me at all.
I think the song says that too. The song may have been about following your heart, about new love and being spontaneous.
But for me, it was about facing that someone I cared about, was gone.
For me, it was about dying young and how I could never make sense of it.
When we’re startled and scrambling, the truth is still–The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing.
But the only thing we sometimes understand is the desire to lose ourselves in something else.
We don’t want to have to think about it.
So I told my friends, back then and also recently, that yes, life can be terrible. And life is terribly beautiful. Even in the chaos, among the fear, the disappointments, your deep sadness, and the terror.
Even in the valley. Especially in the valley.
Because no matter what, the truth is still–When I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.
He is with me. He is with us. Even in the valley He is faithful.
And yes, it’s worth it to be alive.
*This post is part of Five-Minute Fridays with Kate Motaung, where the writing prompt this week is ALIVE. You are welcome to join us. 🙂 Find out more here!
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