May I Never Forget

{She Speaks, Part 2}

As I wrote in my last post, I grew up feeling forgettable.

I longed to know I was important, as important as all the beautiful people God placed around me. I strove to prove it, somehow. To take what I had and turn it into “enough”. I spent too much time worried about me. Which is right where the enemy, that liar, wanted me: held back, kept down.

And yet, I loved Jesus. How confusing to deal with identity lies when I just wanted to pull it together and be who he made me to be already.

Years passed, and decades, and then I ended up at the She Speaks conference. Where I entered a safe place and learned I had been forgotten.

The next morning, I woke early to read my Bible, and this verse caught my eye:

Be careful, then—OR YOUR HEARTS WILL BE WEIGHED DOWN—with carousing, drunkenness, and the anxieties of life and those days will close in on you like a trap.

Without realizing it , I cling to old deceits, and they weigh my heart down.

I never wanted to feel forgettable, but parts of me formed around that lie. In too many ways, it shaped who I became, like it was my truth. This would have to be a choice. I had to decide. Let it go, I wrote. Let go of these past lies, and all the pain they caused. 

At She Speaks, God allowed me to enter back into this wound, so I could be healed. My way is to pretend certain feelings don’t matter. Which is likely why I’m a thirty-something Mama of four who could still feel the depth of that ache. In His grace, God allowed me to feel forgettable, in a safe place. But He didn’t leave me alone there. He closed up the wound.

I went to our morning session at 8:30 AM. {This is not like me.} I am the girl who chooses to sleep in (or read-in) after a long, exhausting day. But for some reason, this time I didn’t. Karen Ehman spoke that morning, and what she said was straight up confirmation:

“God might want you to LET GO of the pain of your past…Let go of the desire to fast-forward through life’s hard lessons, so He can use them.”

I had just written it that morning, in the quiet of my room.     

Later, some of my new friends asked if I found my name in the Prayer Room.

I had found every one of their names, but not mine. But I found something else for me there. And it was exactly what I needed, right then.

The weekend was full of highs, such as running into MANDISA, meeting some of my favorite authors, and staying up late laughing-to-tears with a group of new friends. But on my drive home, I was overwhelmed because the Lord had such a personal message for me there, one that had little to do with my conference.

Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never FORGET the good things He does for me. Psalm 103:2, NLT